Kimberly1973
2004-06-11 14:41:59 UTC
Hello everyone:
In an internet search I came accross the thread in this database about
Sean McKinney's death. My name is Kimberly, and I was Sean McKinney's
girlfriend since November 1, 2003. I was overwhelmed and surprised to
find people talking about Seans death, and all the sadness. He would be
so surprised, and probably really happy to know how many people cared
about him. I am absolutely devastated by this loss, and sometimes I don't
know if I want to go on and live in a world without Sean. A lot of you
said you didn't know Sean very well, and I would love to tell you about
him. It helps me to talk about it. I went to a Survivors of Suicide
support group and they said talk talk talk, and get it out. You know,
Sean told me in March that there were only 4 people in this world who
cared about him, his mom and dad and myself and peg. It means the world
to me, and would to Sean too, that so many people cared. If anyone wants
to hear more about Seans life, I am going to write some of them here. If
its too much information, or too hard, then don't read it. But for anyone
who wants to know, here it is.
Sean was the most amazing, full of life, sweet, sarcastic, person I have
ever met. He had so many plans and idea's about juggling, and video's and
designing balls. He had a whole slew of juggling video's that he wanted
to put together. He was very into philosophy. He was a thinker, he loved
to think and contemplate, and debate with people. He was artistic, and
incredibly good with words, too smart for his own good, and so very
beautiful. He was full of wit, and full of love, and just waiting to meet
someone with similar interests and a great chemistry... and he saw my
picture on a mutual internet site that we belonged to. He wrote me an
email on November 1st, 2003, and I responded back that he was crazy to
email a girl that lived 2500 miles away. Find someone in California I
said. But that wasn't meant to be. We fell crazy in love in less than 2
weeks.. and yes, I did fall in love with Sean before I ever saw his
picture. He was that amazing and charismatic. We talked on the phone
every day for hours. Sean did have Bipolar, and it was a terrible
problem, but not at first. I noticed that people talked about how Sean
didn't take meds consistently, and that is partially true. When we met,
he wasn't on meds, and after about a month he became very manic. He went
to Las Vegas with a friend, and after some confusion, Sean was left in
Vegas with no money, and no transportation home. Luckily, the compassion
of a complete stranger got Sean on a bus back to San Diego, but that left
him very manic. He was confused, couldn't sleep, barely ate. He was out
of control, and worried about protecting himself and his possessions. He
went into the hospital 3 times, and finally started taking meds, and
started to get better. In February, he got out of the hospital, and was
on his way to recovery. I can tell you right now that Sean took every
single pill that he was supposed to take, from January, until his tragic
death.
Sean and I didn't spend a ton of time together in person, about a week in
December, and 4 days in March. But after our time together in March, Sean
and I decided that he was going to move to Michigan, where I live. We
couldn't stand being apart from each other, so my mission, when I got back
home was to find us a place to live. So I bought a condo (with cathedral
ceilings of course so Sean could juggle) and Sean rented a room in a hotel
for 3 weeks until I could move into the condo. But the meds that were
initially used to bring Sean out of the manic episode were bringing him
too far down. He didn't start taking an anti-depressent until it was too
late, and by the time Sean did move here, with all his belongings, it was
only 3 days until he was so suicidal he had to go back to California and
check himself into the hospital. Leaving was the hardest thing he ever
had to do. He felt like a failure, but I told Sean how strong he was. He
knew he had to go to the hospital, and so did I.
He was so depressed, and meds weren't working, so Sean had 7 Electroshock
Therapy Sessions. They worked, for a while. During this time, I read a
book on ECT, and it says that you have to keep having it, you can't just
stop and go back on meds that didn't work in the first place. The problem
was that Sean had lost so much of his memory, that he couldn't bare to go
back and have more ECT, and his parents didn't want him to either. He was
having some physical problems too, he told me that he felt like his brain
was floating.
He forgot a lot about our relationship too. That devastated me. I thought
that Sean would never remember, and that our whole relationship would just
live on inside my head. But slowly things came back. I asked him where
he got the shoes he was wearing, or where the mood ring he wore around his
neck came from, and how he got that cell phone he had. And he said... you
Kimberly. He was starting to remember. On a Sunday in mid May, Sean
remembered everything. I was so happy.. because I felt like we had our
future back. He immediately started making plans to move back to Detroit,
but we talked about the fact that he was still very unstable. His family
wanted to take care of him for a while, and make sure he got stablized,
and I agreed completely.
After that, Sean just kept getting more and more depressed. The bipolar
just wouldn't let up. He started on new meds the Friday before he died,
and he sounded like he was getting better every day. I thank God that I
talked to him on the phone for over an hour on Wednesday, June 2nd,
because we said everything to each other that we would have wanted to say.
He told me how much he loved me, and that he wanted to be together, and I
told him that I wanted him with me as soon as he was ready. He had a
friend from New York getting married in San Diego in July, so we
tentatively made plans for him to move back here after that. But he was
so depressed that he felt like he couldn't even go to a wedding. He lost
interest in juggling again, and just didn't want to do anything but sleep.
He told me it was so hard.. just living. I didn't understand how bad it
was because I have never been there. He kept telling me that I should be
with someone who was better for me, someone who wasn't so weak... but I
told him that was ridiculous, and that he was the man I wanted, no matter
what. I knew that it would be a hard life to be with someone who had
Bipolar, but it didn't matter. I loved Sean more than anything on this
Earth, and I would have been there with him no matter what.
T-mobile confirmed that the last phone call Sean ever made was to me on
Wednesday morning. That was the call where he made sure I knew how he felt
about us. In some ways, I think maybe I should have known that he was
telling me everything for a reason. I called him briefly on Thursday, and
he sounded so awful. His mom was coming to pick him up to take him to her
place for a while, and he was getting ready. I told him that I would call
him as he arrived at his Moms, and he said "I love you Kimberly". In some
ways I feel like I should have kept him on the phone longer, but I had no
idea that he had made his plans.
Let me reiterate that since January, Sean has taken every single med
prescribed to him. He said he did it for me and for his parents, but
regardless, he did it. He had electroshock therapy, and he went to a
psychiatrist, and had group therapy regularly. He did EVERYTHING the
doctors told him to do. He tried to get better. He wanted to live. He
wanted a future. He wanted us to be together in Michigan. In December he
proposed to me, and he wanted to get married and have children. He wanted
10 of them, but I had talked him down to 1 or 2. He wanted his life. He
loved his life, his juggling, football, conversations, he loved
everything. But he was so tortured. Bipolar depression is something the
likes of us probably will never have the misfortune to know. I have read
so much about it, and I realize that Sean didn't make a choice. He didn't
have a choice. The pain was so great, that to the person about to commit
suicide, they feel that its either endure the unending suffering and
misery, or end it. Sean did the only thing he could do. As soon as he
had a chance to go free, he did what he had to do. His Mom later told me
that he had bought a bottle of sleeping pills.
He disappeared on Thursday, June 3rd, at noon Pacific Time, and by 6pm his
phone was powered off. I left him probably 20 voice mails in the time in
between, but he never called back. I am sure he didn't want anyone to
have the opportunity to talk him out of it. The police didn't find his
body until Saturday Morning, so I didn't know he was gone until then. I
was shocked. I was standing in home depot when his Dad called me, and I
fell over and started crying hysterically in the store. My friend got me
out of there, and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do with
myself. I couldn't believe he gave up on us.. I couldn't believe he would
never call me again.. I would never see him again.. I would never kiss him
or hug him again.. the loss is just overwhelming and devastating. We had
talked on the phone ALL the time. Sean insisted we get T-mobile cell
phones 7 months prior, so that we could talk unlimited at any given time.
We were pretty ridiculous about it too. I would have my ear piece in at
work, and he would be on the phone just listening while i waited on
customers. I was on the phone with him the whole time he drove to Las
Vegas. We just couldn't stand not being together, and now here I am, and
I feel like half of me is gone.
Talking about it helps, and anyone who has made it to the bottom of this
page, thanks for listening. Sometimes I miss Sean so much I want to take
a bottle of pills just so I can maybe be with him again. But I know how
much agony I am in, and I can't give this kind of grief to the people I
love. I have no anger or resentment toward Sean, because I know he didn't
choose this, he had no choice.
Thank you so much for keeping his memory alive, and remembering him. He
will live forever in my mind, in the pictures I have of him, in the 35
saved voice mails I have from him all the way back to November, but mostly
in my heart and in my soul. Sean and I truly believed that we were soul
mates, and that we belonged together. We will always be together, weather
or not he is on earth. If anyone wants to talk to me, or find out more
information, or wants pictures of Sean, please feel free to email me at
***@aol.com. Again, I am so glad to know that Sean had so many
people that cared about him. Sorry if was totally rambling... but I am
taking klonopin, which ironically Sean was taking, because the pain of
Seans death has made my blood pressure sky rocket. It makes me a little
numb and out of it... and its helped me since I came back to work to not
cry every second.
Kimberly
----== posted via www.jugglingdb.com ==----
In an internet search I came accross the thread in this database about
Sean McKinney's death. My name is Kimberly, and I was Sean McKinney's
girlfriend since November 1, 2003. I was overwhelmed and surprised to
find people talking about Seans death, and all the sadness. He would be
so surprised, and probably really happy to know how many people cared
about him. I am absolutely devastated by this loss, and sometimes I don't
know if I want to go on and live in a world without Sean. A lot of you
said you didn't know Sean very well, and I would love to tell you about
him. It helps me to talk about it. I went to a Survivors of Suicide
support group and they said talk talk talk, and get it out. You know,
Sean told me in March that there were only 4 people in this world who
cared about him, his mom and dad and myself and peg. It means the world
to me, and would to Sean too, that so many people cared. If anyone wants
to hear more about Seans life, I am going to write some of them here. If
its too much information, or too hard, then don't read it. But for anyone
who wants to know, here it is.
Sean was the most amazing, full of life, sweet, sarcastic, person I have
ever met. He had so many plans and idea's about juggling, and video's and
designing balls. He had a whole slew of juggling video's that he wanted
to put together. He was very into philosophy. He was a thinker, he loved
to think and contemplate, and debate with people. He was artistic, and
incredibly good with words, too smart for his own good, and so very
beautiful. He was full of wit, and full of love, and just waiting to meet
someone with similar interests and a great chemistry... and he saw my
picture on a mutual internet site that we belonged to. He wrote me an
email on November 1st, 2003, and I responded back that he was crazy to
email a girl that lived 2500 miles away. Find someone in California I
said. But that wasn't meant to be. We fell crazy in love in less than 2
weeks.. and yes, I did fall in love with Sean before I ever saw his
picture. He was that amazing and charismatic. We talked on the phone
every day for hours. Sean did have Bipolar, and it was a terrible
problem, but not at first. I noticed that people talked about how Sean
didn't take meds consistently, and that is partially true. When we met,
he wasn't on meds, and after about a month he became very manic. He went
to Las Vegas with a friend, and after some confusion, Sean was left in
Vegas with no money, and no transportation home. Luckily, the compassion
of a complete stranger got Sean on a bus back to San Diego, but that left
him very manic. He was confused, couldn't sleep, barely ate. He was out
of control, and worried about protecting himself and his possessions. He
went into the hospital 3 times, and finally started taking meds, and
started to get better. In February, he got out of the hospital, and was
on his way to recovery. I can tell you right now that Sean took every
single pill that he was supposed to take, from January, until his tragic
death.
Sean and I didn't spend a ton of time together in person, about a week in
December, and 4 days in March. But after our time together in March, Sean
and I decided that he was going to move to Michigan, where I live. We
couldn't stand being apart from each other, so my mission, when I got back
home was to find us a place to live. So I bought a condo (with cathedral
ceilings of course so Sean could juggle) and Sean rented a room in a hotel
for 3 weeks until I could move into the condo. But the meds that were
initially used to bring Sean out of the manic episode were bringing him
too far down. He didn't start taking an anti-depressent until it was too
late, and by the time Sean did move here, with all his belongings, it was
only 3 days until he was so suicidal he had to go back to California and
check himself into the hospital. Leaving was the hardest thing he ever
had to do. He felt like a failure, but I told Sean how strong he was. He
knew he had to go to the hospital, and so did I.
He was so depressed, and meds weren't working, so Sean had 7 Electroshock
Therapy Sessions. They worked, for a while. During this time, I read a
book on ECT, and it says that you have to keep having it, you can't just
stop and go back on meds that didn't work in the first place. The problem
was that Sean had lost so much of his memory, that he couldn't bare to go
back and have more ECT, and his parents didn't want him to either. He was
having some physical problems too, he told me that he felt like his brain
was floating.
He forgot a lot about our relationship too. That devastated me. I thought
that Sean would never remember, and that our whole relationship would just
live on inside my head. But slowly things came back. I asked him where
he got the shoes he was wearing, or where the mood ring he wore around his
neck came from, and how he got that cell phone he had. And he said... you
Kimberly. He was starting to remember. On a Sunday in mid May, Sean
remembered everything. I was so happy.. because I felt like we had our
future back. He immediately started making plans to move back to Detroit,
but we talked about the fact that he was still very unstable. His family
wanted to take care of him for a while, and make sure he got stablized,
and I agreed completely.
After that, Sean just kept getting more and more depressed. The bipolar
just wouldn't let up. He started on new meds the Friday before he died,
and he sounded like he was getting better every day. I thank God that I
talked to him on the phone for over an hour on Wednesday, June 2nd,
because we said everything to each other that we would have wanted to say.
He told me how much he loved me, and that he wanted to be together, and I
told him that I wanted him with me as soon as he was ready. He had a
friend from New York getting married in San Diego in July, so we
tentatively made plans for him to move back here after that. But he was
so depressed that he felt like he couldn't even go to a wedding. He lost
interest in juggling again, and just didn't want to do anything but sleep.
He told me it was so hard.. just living. I didn't understand how bad it
was because I have never been there. He kept telling me that I should be
with someone who was better for me, someone who wasn't so weak... but I
told him that was ridiculous, and that he was the man I wanted, no matter
what. I knew that it would be a hard life to be with someone who had
Bipolar, but it didn't matter. I loved Sean more than anything on this
Earth, and I would have been there with him no matter what.
T-mobile confirmed that the last phone call Sean ever made was to me on
Wednesday morning. That was the call where he made sure I knew how he felt
about us. In some ways, I think maybe I should have known that he was
telling me everything for a reason. I called him briefly on Thursday, and
he sounded so awful. His mom was coming to pick him up to take him to her
place for a while, and he was getting ready. I told him that I would call
him as he arrived at his Moms, and he said "I love you Kimberly". In some
ways I feel like I should have kept him on the phone longer, but I had no
idea that he had made his plans.
Let me reiterate that since January, Sean has taken every single med
prescribed to him. He said he did it for me and for his parents, but
regardless, he did it. He had electroshock therapy, and he went to a
psychiatrist, and had group therapy regularly. He did EVERYTHING the
doctors told him to do. He tried to get better. He wanted to live. He
wanted a future. He wanted us to be together in Michigan. In December he
proposed to me, and he wanted to get married and have children. He wanted
10 of them, but I had talked him down to 1 or 2. He wanted his life. He
loved his life, his juggling, football, conversations, he loved
everything. But he was so tortured. Bipolar depression is something the
likes of us probably will never have the misfortune to know. I have read
so much about it, and I realize that Sean didn't make a choice. He didn't
have a choice. The pain was so great, that to the person about to commit
suicide, they feel that its either endure the unending suffering and
misery, or end it. Sean did the only thing he could do. As soon as he
had a chance to go free, he did what he had to do. His Mom later told me
that he had bought a bottle of sleeping pills.
He disappeared on Thursday, June 3rd, at noon Pacific Time, and by 6pm his
phone was powered off. I left him probably 20 voice mails in the time in
between, but he never called back. I am sure he didn't want anyone to
have the opportunity to talk him out of it. The police didn't find his
body until Saturday Morning, so I didn't know he was gone until then. I
was shocked. I was standing in home depot when his Dad called me, and I
fell over and started crying hysterically in the store. My friend got me
out of there, and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do with
myself. I couldn't believe he gave up on us.. I couldn't believe he would
never call me again.. I would never see him again.. I would never kiss him
or hug him again.. the loss is just overwhelming and devastating. We had
talked on the phone ALL the time. Sean insisted we get T-mobile cell
phones 7 months prior, so that we could talk unlimited at any given time.
We were pretty ridiculous about it too. I would have my ear piece in at
work, and he would be on the phone just listening while i waited on
customers. I was on the phone with him the whole time he drove to Las
Vegas. We just couldn't stand not being together, and now here I am, and
I feel like half of me is gone.
Talking about it helps, and anyone who has made it to the bottom of this
page, thanks for listening. Sometimes I miss Sean so much I want to take
a bottle of pills just so I can maybe be with him again. But I know how
much agony I am in, and I can't give this kind of grief to the people I
love. I have no anger or resentment toward Sean, because I know he didn't
choose this, he had no choice.
Thank you so much for keeping his memory alive, and remembering him. He
will live forever in my mind, in the pictures I have of him, in the 35
saved voice mails I have from him all the way back to November, but mostly
in my heart and in my soul. Sean and I truly believed that we were soul
mates, and that we belonged together. We will always be together, weather
or not he is on earth. If anyone wants to talk to me, or find out more
information, or wants pictures of Sean, please feel free to email me at
***@aol.com. Again, I am so glad to know that Sean had so many
people that cared about him. Sorry if was totally rambling... but I am
taking klonopin, which ironically Sean was taking, because the pain of
Seans death has made my blood pressure sky rocket. It makes me a little
numb and out of it... and its helped me since I came back to work to not
cry every second.
Kimberly
----== posted via www.jugglingdb.com ==----